I'm stuck in a city but I belong in a field...

Now don't get me wrong, I love London. The architecture. The lilting accents. The pubs. The history. Everything I could possibly want is a brief walk from my doorstep. But on entering my fourth month in this most incredible of cities, I'm starting to feel as if my back is on the ropes.

It's claustrophobic here. You can't walk down the street without tripping over someone else whose determined stride is also undermined by the purposeless look on their face. "Is this the way to Oxford Street?" "I think the theatre is over here..." "Where is the Waterstones?" The people seem to come out of the woodwork around here, and my neighbourhood is particularly busy. On the one hand, it's stimulating and exciting. On the other hand, these bystanders provide the obstacle on my usual course to the gym. Nine times out of ten I soak it up and smile, as I feel we are all part of the fabric of the big city life, but on days like today it just feels limiting.

It would be remiss to mention claustrophobia and not speak on my living accommodations. I live in a building that houses mostly nurses and teachers. It's right near the West End. It's expensive around here, and when I tell people where I live they usually remark with something like, "Oh you must have lots of money!" Well the truth is, I don't. And I usually explain to them what I'm about to tell you. It's small. I'm getting used to it, but it's an adjustment, particularly when I'm not working. Usually it doesn't bother me, but on days like today it just feels smothering.

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As Julian Casablancas sings, "I'm stuck in a city but I belong in a field." I'm starting to think there is some legitimacy to that, especially in how it applies to me. I've been spoiled my whole life, living on the West Coast of BC, with untamed wilderness unrolling under my feet and a massive sprawl of ocean to fling my thoughts into. However beautiful the concrete and brick buildings are around here, it's no consolation. The sky in Canada is different, and at night you can discern the Milky Way among the plethora of stars. It isn't blotched out by light pollution or smog. In Victoria the air is rejuvenating. In this big city it feels recycled. I can enjoy what the city has to offer, and I have REALLY been enjoying London. But it's a kind of enjoyment that is hinged on the knowledge that in about three months I will be leaving. It's almost a wonderful feeling, unlike any other, to know that I can "live life to the lees" here, (as Tennyson might say!) and then, when I've had my fill, return to a place that I love even more. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I am committed to making the most of it. So far it has gone as perfectly as I had ever hoped. I guess I'm just saying that I finally feel like I'm on the "inside" of London life, only to realize that I belong outside. But the feeling is pleasant because I can embrace life on the inside, comfortable with the fact that ultimately I will return to where I belong. I'm not being very articulate.

I miss the schools I taught at in Victoria. I didn't realize how much I cared about those schools and the students there. In Victoria when I got called to substitute teach it was exciting and I loved it. Here it's empty. My heart's not in it. It isn't fulfilling. On the plus side I've learned a lot, and I'm looking forward to taking my new professional skills back home. I have no doubt that I am a better, more capable teacher than I was before I came here. Anyway...

I miss music. I am absolutely ITCHING to plug in my electric guitar and jam with the boys. I have been working hard writing songs for my solo album that I hope to record this summer, and I really want to make a go of it. As for the band's big return, Curtis and I are talking about starting something up again. We have a drummer interested, and Trison is on board. We are currently searching for a singer who will mesh with us. It's exciting to try again. Another reinvention. The Origin ended right as we were starting to gather some momentum, and so I think there is still a lot of untapped potential.

Anyway, this has been a long post and it's almost time to go to the pub! Take care!